Listening Blocks

1. Comparing

You are always trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy – you or the other person.

Some people focus on who has suffered more, who is a bigger victim.

While someone is talking, you think to yourself “Could I do it that well? …I’ve had it harder, he does not know what hard is…My kikds are so much brighter.

2. Mind reading

The mind reader does not pay much attention to what people say. He is trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking. You probably make assumptions: “She thinks that I am stupid”.

3. Rehearsing

You don’t havbe time to listen when you are rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment. You have to look interested, but your mind is going on a mile a minute because you have got a story to tell.

4. Filtering

When you filter you listen to some thing but not to others.

5. Judging

Negative labels have enormous power. If you prejudge someone as stupid or unqualified you don’t pay much attention to what they say. You have already written them off.  A basic rule: Judgement should only be made after you have heard and evaluated the content of the message.

6. Dreaming

You are half-listening and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private associations. Dreaming is a statement that you don’t value what certain peo0ple have to say.

7. Identifying

You take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you’ve felt, done or suffered.

8. Advising

You are the great problem-solver, ready with help and suggestions. You don’t hear the feelings and you don’t acknowledge the person’s pain. He/she feels basically alone because you could not listen and just be there

9. Sparring

This block has you arguing and debating with people. You are so quick to disagree. One subtype is the put-down. You use sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other person’s point of view.  Another subtype is discounting, the block for people who can’t stand compliments.

10. Being right

You can’t listen to criticism, you can’t be corrected, you can’t take suggestions to change. Your convictions are unshakeable. And since you don’t acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them.

11. Derailing

This block is accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic.

12. Placating

“Right………absolutely………I know…..Of course….Incredible……..Yes, really……..”. You want to be nice, pleasant and supportive. You want people to like you, so you agree with everything.

Exercise:

1. List the blocks that seem typical of the ways you avoid listening.
2. Having identified your blocks, explore, whom you are blocking.